the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my shit smells like andre
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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