Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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