i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
