Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I need to stop coming to work sober
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
