it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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