the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
