I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
