I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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