He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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