I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
