hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
