Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize