idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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