i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just found puke in my bra..
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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