This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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