Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
