there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize