Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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