Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
did i just pee glitter
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
