I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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