I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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