My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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