that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
