I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
