I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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