Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
