Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize