my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
