I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
