he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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