we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
