I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
