Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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