please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The uberlube is also flammable
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
