I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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