There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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