sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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