This house was built for laser tag.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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