got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
