I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
