You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
