sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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