Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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