my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
