I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
