just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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