Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
