Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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