Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
