He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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