real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
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