you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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