Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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