Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
