There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
