Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
