I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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