with your own penis?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
