Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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