I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize