I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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