I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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