I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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