He asked me if I "almost moaned"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
