nut hugger
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize