So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
