If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
