This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
