I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
